Sunday, December 16, 2012
Events not unfolding the way I wished
I did return at the store on wednesday to get my pants. Prospect #1 was not there, but prospect #2 (who really isn't a prospect anymore !) was there. He took care of getting my clothes. Unfortunately, he really didn't seem to be in a good mood. I don't remember seeing him smile once, which was a huge contrast from the day before!
I was hoping to have an opportunity to let know I'm gay at work, but I didn't see any. So I wound up going to our Christmas party yesterday thinking that I could let it slip out of my mouth!
I had a nice evening yesterday! Everyone was in a good mood and I got to spend energy on the dance floor! At the beginning of the party, a colleague asked me what kind of girls I preferred, making reference to the types of beers. Since I had a Smirnoff ice in my hand, she asked if I liked russians. Jack and Jess were there too and were playing it low-key. Her question took me by surprise and I didn't really answer anything. Jess told her that it was really hard getting informations from me! Later in the night, I was dancing with the girlfriend of one of my colleagues and he came to see me jokingly saying that he was looking for the day I had a girlfriend so I could let his girlfriend to him! Really, it doesn't come naturally to just say "Don't worry I'm gay". Once again, I didn't reveal it.
That's a bit of a bummer, cause I would have liked to have some progress done yesterday. Also I'm sure these persons who asked would have no problem at all with me being gay. Also, I realize that it is harder than I thought to have the behavior I want, which is to not hide I'm gay if someone asks about my personal life :( I think it's that last point that bothers me the most.
But I won't get too hard on myself, because I know that's what you're going to tell me :) I know that I will make the steps someday and that I need to be patient.
Anyways, during dinner, Candy came to see me and told me that I should watch the only male waiter. I had seen him earlier during the evening, but he didn't catch my eyes. When I could see him, I looked at him and the more I was seeing him, the more I thought he was sexy. And somehow I thought he might be gay. It was probably Candy's influence because she's always looking for gay people!! So I guess it helped me. During the evening, I got to catch his eyes a few times but without really doing anything else. Then at the end of the night, I saw him walking and (I don't like to say this) the way he was walking was a bit effeminate. That doesn't change anything about the attraction I could have for him, it's just that it made me think that really he could be gay.... It's so stereotypical and I don't like thinking like that. But, I keep complaining about how hard it is to know if a guy is gay, so I guess I have to take the signs I receive... He may not be gay, but he may very well be as well!
After that I got to see him more, because he was doing more cleaning in the dining room and going back and forth to the kitchen. Also, there were a lot less people in the way cause many were already gone. I was a little more "agressive" with him, as I smiled to him a few times when our eyes met. (WOW!! talk about agressivity!!) I'm not even sure how he reacted but I think he smiled a bit.
It ended up that we were only 3 people left and the 2 others from me were leaving. I was waiting for my lift to come get me and I said bye to the other 2 as they left. I thought that maybe I was going to be lucky after all!! I thought that I would stay inside and try to get to chat with the waiter. But, it was not to be! Not too long after that, one of the 2 who had left came in and said "Hey JF come outside we're waiting for you beside the fire!!" I couldn't really say no, cause they're good guys and also they were there to keep me company while waiting for my lift!! So outside I went and I didn't see the waiter anymore...
We had a nice time beside the fire for about 15 minutes before my lift arrived and then it was the end of our evening.
This morning I've been thinking about this guy and looking back, I should have tried to chat with him a bit earlier. Nothing too dense of a conversation, just some really small talk to get things going.... I always think about that when it's too late!!
I'd like to get to talk to him... I have to remember that I have nothing to lose if I get to talk to him somehow. I don't know, I could call at the reception room and aks for him. Hopefully there is really only 1 male waiter working there. But, I'm pretty sure he's the son of the barmaid we had cause I heard him calling her "mom". So that could help me to direct my call :)
And a last thing, I had noticed that he had a nice earring. This morning I tried to remember about it (and his general appearance) and I'm pretty sure he had only one on his right ear. I thought that it may have a meaning and I looked on the internet .Apparently, most people say it means gay, even if there is no consensus. Also, it was supposedly more used in the 80s than now, as it seems people put anything on their ears now, whatever their orientation may be. So, I suppose I can't really get anything reliable about it, but it's an additional clue leading towards him being gay.
Actually, the real question is if I will try to talk to him!!! I really hope the answer will be yes.